One of the biggest, and most valuable, life lessons that I have had to learn in college is how to get along with a roommate. I was absolutely terrified to be a college freshman and, more than that, to be a college freshman in a tiny dormitory. And it didn’t matter that I would be living with my best friend. Living with the one person whose friendship I valued the most did not feel like a safety net. For one thing, I had never shared a room with anyone. I had never had to live in such close proximity to another human being for more than, at most, a week at a time. And that was summer camp. At some point in June I started getting sweaty nervous palms every time I thought about sharing a dorm. Sweaty palms are weird, uncomfortable, and slightly inconvenient. I was panicked, fearful that Grace would grow to despise the way I tap my pencil and that I would soon abhor the way she chewed. Dramatic? Definitely. Silly? Probably. But it didn’t change the reality, which is that I was abnormally anxious about sharing a 12’ by 15’ room, instead of a cul-de-sac, with my best friend.
I have had a roommate for the past three years and am also currently bunking (literally) with my sister in Washington DC. Between all four experiences, I have come out knowing a lot more about myself and about boundaries. My first roommate was my best friend. My second roommate was a random roommate from Denmark (who I ended up being very close with). My third was my other best friend. I’ve seen and done it all. I’d like to add that I’ve maintained (and begun) friendships with all of them. It does not mean that it was not without a lot of continual hard work.
The important thing, in what I consider my informed opinion, is to set boundaries early and to STICK TO THEM. In addition, it’s really important to work on effective communication. Freaking out is not a good way to handle any situation (unless you’re about to meet (insert celebrity name here), and even then I don’t recommend it). I’d like to present you with my list for roommate success:
1.) Boundary Setting- You and your roommate-to-be (whether it’s your best friend or a complete stranger) are both coming in with expectations. It’s important for each of you to make those expectations clear to the other person. Where there are disparities, it’s important to compromise. Examples of expectations include:
a. How late lights will be kept on
i. You and your roommate may have varying workloads, and you might also keep different hours. I have a desk lamp that I use when my roommate goes to sleep, so we can turn off the overhead lights. My roommates have always done the same.
b. The volume of any imminent audio (YouTUBE videos, music, skyping, etc.)
i. Skype is a gray area that tends to require compromising. My old roommate Katharine talked to her family in Denmark via Skype. Denmark is 6 hours ahead of us, so sometimes when I was doing homework in the afternoon she would be skyping her family. Most of the time I would just put my headphones in, but if I had a really important assignment she would take her laptop down to the commons area. Concurrently, if something big was going on (her grandmother was very sick), I had lots of places I could take my work (example: the library). A lot of people won’t know to do that unless you ASK them, so it’s important that you both talk to each other. If something isn’t okay with you, speak up!
c. Who can sleep over
i. Boyfriends: Both of my best friends had boyfriends that went to other schools, so when they came to visit they were in our room for the whole weekend. It wasn’t so bad for me, because I knew all parties present. I also didn’t feel very weird sleeping in my bed while the two of them slept in hers. It isn’t okay with everyone, though, so you need to examine how you feel about it.
But we had lots of rules. The rules are the things that mattered to us, and kept everyone from feeling uncomfortable or slighted. It might be different for you, and you have to talk that over with your roommate!
ii. Friends: I sometimes used to crash at a friend’s dorm, and I’ve had friends crash at mine. We were all friends, and it was always on weekend nights. Bottom line, you need to be careful about both having friends crash at your dorm and crashing at friend’s dorms. Like it or not, your presence might be an inconvenience for someone else and your friends presence might pose an inconvenience to your roommate. Even if it is okay with your friend’s roommate, or with your roommate, both you and your guest need to make an effort to be respectful.
iii. People neither of you know: As a general rule, I don’t let friends of friends sleep over my dormitory. They can go back to my friend’s dorm if they need somewhere to sleep. Their sleeping quarters are not my responsibility and unless I’ve met them on a prior occasion, I’m definitely not cool with it. It might be different for you or for your roommate. As always- talk about it!
d. Borrowing things:
i. I don’t like it when people borrow my things without asking. I’m usually more than happy to loan out my belongings when asked but sometimes, depending on the object(s), I’m not. It is definitely a manners thing, and not everyone feels the need to exercise this particular courtesy. If it matters to you then you need to communicate it and you also need to stick to your own rules. If you require your roommate to ask before borrowing your things, you need to ask them if you can borrow theirs. By asking, you set the tone for your room and encourage your roommate to extend the same politeness.
1.) Texting someone to ask if you can borrow something, and taking it before getting a response, does not count. Unless your roommate expressly gives you permission to use something, you don’t have their permission.
2.) Just because they said you could borrow it once does not mean they are okay with you borrowing it again. Continue to ask unless they tell you that you don’t have to ask anymore.
e. Cleanliness-
i. My most recent roommate, my sister, is sometimes a mess. I’m cool with it, as long as it stays on her side of things. This, again, has to be talked about. Do you have cleaning days? Who vacuums? How often does old food stay in the room? Who takes out the trash? Etc.
2.) Sticking to the boundaries
a. Most Resident Assistants (all of them are supposed to, at least) will have you fill out a roommate agreement at the start of the semester. It covers a lot of the things I’ve mentioned above (and probably more, I can’t entirely remember).
i. It has to be signed by both of you
ii. TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. It seems silly when you first meet one another, and it’s also sort of awkward, but it’s important. Your RA will refer to this in the event that a conflict arises that the two of you feel you cannot work out.
iii. If you both don’t feel that a certain subject is addressed or addressed to a desired extent, write an addendum and give that to your RA along with the agreement. It is one hundred percent acceptable to include terms not covered in the provided roommate agreement, and clarity is always a good thing.
3.) What to do if you disagree
a. Discuss the issue calmly and rationally
i. Try to avoid accusatory language: “You did..”, “You didn’t..” It only makes people defensive. Try to stick to “I” words: “I dislike when…”, “I am bothered by..”
ii. Try to make concessions. Your roommate isn’t perfect, and neither are you. They may bug the heck out of you, but remember that you might do things that really bug them too. Be firm in your convictions, but be nice too. Compromise is a beautiful thing. You have to live with this person, and you want to avoid making it unbearable.
iii. Take breaks: If you can’t work something out right away, take a breather. Re-group and re-think. Is there a side to their argument that you aren’t seeing? Nothing comes out right when you’re really upset, and it’s never a bad thing to take time to think about where the discussion has gone thus far and what direction it needs to go in
iv. If you can’t work it out? Go together to see your RA. That’s what they are there for!
Some other important things to remember:
1.) You do not have to be best friends with your roommate
2.) Even if you do end up best friends with your roommate, try to also make other friends as well. It’s important to have an outlet other than your roommate, and important to have separate interests. Spending 100% of your time together can get dicey!
3.) Your roommate might not be an engineer. IT ISN’T A BAD THING. None of my roommates have ever been engineers. In chronological order they have been: a biology major, an international student studying English, and an education major. It can be frustrating at times- they will probably have a lot more free time than you do- but try and remember that every major has its hardships. On the positive side, your roommate’s major can serve to broaden your world outlook. Think of your roommate’s major as an avenue by which you can meet an entire major full of new people with different interests and backgrounds!
4.) Every conflict has a resolution if you’re willing to find it.
5.) If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your roommate about something, talk to your RA.
6.) If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your RA about something, talk to your WEP mentor/rover/lead. There is an answer to every question and no question is stupid or small! Sometimes it helps to talk it out, and that is what both your RA and your mentor are there for! Not to mention, they may be able to shed some light on the subject simply because of their own experiences!
7.) My list is just an example of some of the issues that could arise. There are other issues you might have, and don’t be surprised if they pop up!
I definitely did not realize I had this much to say about roommates, but I suppose that three years of sharing a room gives you a lot to say on the subject! I hope that this is helpful!
I can’t wait to meet all of you! August and WEP could not come soon enough! If you have questions, or want someone to talk to, I think I can speak for all of the mentors, rovers, and leads when I say that we are always available to girls in need!
Until August!
-Liz
Liz Krauss is a Senior in Architectural Engineering. This summer Liz is working in Washington D.C. She is a mentor for WEPO '12.
