How to Handle Conflicts with Your Roommate

It’s rare to find roommates that make it through their freshman year without finding themselves in the middle of at least one major disagreement. One roommate eats the others food, talks on the phone too loud while the other is trying to sleep, or says something that just crosses the line, the list goes on and on. Hopefully you’ll find yourself in the ideal roommate situation, but it’s best to be prepared on how to confront your roommate in case a problem does come up. After reflecting on my own experience with roommate troubles, what I did wrong and right, I came up with this little guide on how to approach things.

1. The first and most important step is to CALM DOWN. Take a step back and just breath. Trying to think about anything rationally while your emotions are going wild is never a good idea. You’ve probably heard this before (if not a hundred times), but that’s because it’s sage advice. If it’s really bad take a whole day, stay at a friend’s for the night and treat yourself to some ice cream (or whatever it is that makes you happy).
1. Whatever you do DON’T VENT TO A MUTUAL FRIEND. Never get other people involved, this is a problem between you and your roommate. Getting other people involved can make your roommate feel betrayed and attacked, as well as make you seem untrustworthy. If anyone notices you are upset, just say you don’t want to talk about it yet. If they keep asking ignore them, it’s not worth it. If you have to vent call your parents, siblings, or friends from home. Avoid people that go to Penn State, even if they aren’t friends with your roommate you never know who their friends are friends with.
2. Now that you’ve calmed down, as overly simple as it might seem, DEFINE THE PROBLEM. Make sure you can clearly explain precisely what is troubling you in a single sentence or two. Write it down. This allows you to focus your thoughts and emotions at the heart of the problem, rather than blowing it up into something bigger than it needs to be. If you go to your roommate with a list of complaints it will be nearly impossible for them to not get defensive or worse, start listing off complaints about you in retaliation.
3. For this part, you have to muster up as much honesty and empathy as you possibly can. ASK WHY as many times as you can, try to get to at least why. Why did she or why does she ____? Do you know of something difficult she is going through? Or  was she upset about something prior to what she did? Could her behavior simply be because she was never taught any differently? Try everything in your power to understand what could have happened in the course of her life for her to be making such decisions. Even if you have no way of knowing, blindly guessing and making a list of reasons is still helpful for when you confront her. The more empathy you have when confronting someone the more they will listen, and the more you will listen. Could you have aggravated her? You have to be as brutally honest about your own behaviors and how they could set someone off as you possibly can.
4. With a better understanding of what has or may have caused the problem try to DETERMINE A SOLUTION, ideally one that is reasonable for both parties involved. For example, if your roommate is extremely messy, the solution probably isn’t for you to require her to clean the room spotless every day. Even if you are a clean freak it is her living space too, it would just be unreasonable to ask someone to change their lifestyle habits to suit yours. Instead, a better solution would be to request she doesn’t let the mess spread to your side of the room or to shared spaces like the refrigerator. Depending if the problem is more than visual mess (if the room smells), you may also need to request that while she can keep her side of the room messy, the mess cannot include food. While this example is fairly straightforward the important thing to understand is that if you want to come to an agreement with your roommate you’re probably going to have to compromise. There are plenty of exceptions where your roommate will just plainly be in the wrong and shouldn’t be doing what they are doing. A good way to avoid coming up with a selfish solution is to honestly and come up with the bare minimum your roommate has to do so that you won’t feel like you need to talk to her again. This doesn’t necessarily have to be the solution you present to your roommate, but you should at least use it as a foundation to then cautiously add on further requests.
5. The last step before confronting your roommate is to ORGANIZE YOUR THOUGHTS. At this point in the process you’ve done a lot of thinking. To make sure you don’t walk in and jumble your words or forget something important write. The exact problem it is you think needs to be addressed. The possible causes of the problem (If the causes are guesses you’ve made about events that may have happened in your roommate’s life write them down to keep yourself empathetic when approaching her, but it would probably be in your best interest to NOT tell them to your roommate). If you are certain you are not the cause and the problem is a specific incident(s) of your roommate acting out it wouldn’t be a bad idea to write down to ask them if anything is happening in their life. Even if you don’t think there is anything happening it will show that you aren’t trying to attack them, but that you just want there to be hard feelings between you two. Write down the solution you came up with. If the solution is more than your bare minimum requirements for change, also write down your foundation solution for reference if your roommate seems unwilling or offended by your expanded solution. Lastly come up with your opening line word for word. How will you calmly open the conversation without making your roommate feel attacked?
6. Finally, CONFRONT YOUR ROOMMATE. At this point you should know exactly what you want to say and should have considered everything your roommate might say in defense. Your rationale should be completely thought through so you shouldn’t have to think on your toes. The important part here is choosing your words and tone of voice. Do everything in your power to keep it as a discussion rather than an argument. Even if your roommate starts getting heated don’t copy her. Just take a breath and listen to what she has to say. Never just say “you’re wrong”. Instead, always acknowledge her points in ways like “I understand where you are coming from, but…” Also be careful not to interrupt her no matter how long she rants without letting you get a word in. Lastly, what for many people will be the most difficult part of confronting your roommate, BE WILLING TO ADMIT YOU ARE WRONG. That’s not to say you should give in because you don’t have the energy. What I mean is that we aren’t perfect, sometime you can be wrong. There is nothing wrong about being wrong as long as you are willing to accept it and change. Feeling like you’re in too deep and can’t back out will just make things worse. While it can be embarrassing and contradicts every instinct you have, being able to admit that you are wrong is your best and only chance at improving the situation. So long as your roommate is a reasonable person, this will probably make them respect you more than they did before and make them more reasonable when it comes to future problems if they know you are only trying to create an agreeable relationship rather than just attacking them.

Depending on the seriousness of the problem, confronting a roommate can be extremely difficult. Don’t be afraid, but also be reasonable. If the problem is something that puts you in danger, ignore everything above and go immediately to an RA for help. If you confront your roommate about a serious issue and they either are irresponsive or don’t change their behavior, again, you should go to an RA for help. Most roommates however are reasonable people and don’t want there to be problems either, so as long as you don’t make the situation worse by how you approach the problem, things should improve. Good luck!

By: Katherine Reichert